Thoughts for Today

Before I continue to post to catch up on all our family happenings, I must confess where my thoughts have been lately, especially today. I say all this not to complain, but to share that I get overwhelmed sometimes with all that's going on around me.

Basically, the "C" word has invaded our family again. Kevin's father was diagnosed several years ago with prostate cancer, and thankfully he is cancer free at this point. While Kevin and I were on our trip, I found out that my grandfather had been sick and was admitted to the hospital on that Wednesday. He had surgery yesterday. They removed a mass from his colon. They are not sure if it is stage 2 or stage 3. We will hopefully know next week sometime. If it is stage 3, he will need chemo. My grandfather also has issues with dementia which have worsened since he has been in the hospital. They have tied his hands to the bed several times because he keeps trying to get up. He's so weak, and he has lots of tubing connected to him . I finally got to hear him tell my grandmother to leave him alone while I was on the phone with her today. I don't think I have ever heard him sound like that in all my life. Of course I joke with my mom and tell her that he's just been saving it up all these years and is now letting her have it. My grandfather is in his 80's. The Lord has given him a long life. He is a retired preacher and he and my grandmother enjoyed the years they were in the ministry. Although I know that this cancer could possibly kill my grandfather, what a comfort it is to know that he knows Jesus Christ as his Savior. I don't want my grandfather to have to suffer a long drawn out process with this, and I know that it's a possibility as well. I hate all of this, too, for my grandmother, my mom and her brothers. We live 5-6 hours away from our family, so I can't just drive over to the hospital whenever I want. I knew we would eventually have to deal with this when our parents got older, if we were still living two states away. I guess I have gotten a little taste of it this week not being able to be there for my grandparents. Then I start thinking about all the people in our church who have been affected by cancer in some way or who actually have some type of cancer that they are currently dealing with. I then think about our friend, M, who has a disease with no cure and she's only 3 years old. One of Kevin's nurses just died from injuries in a motorcycle accident. It's very overwhelming! My heart feels so heavy today. It's been one of those days where I feel like I could just cry at the drop of a hat. Thankfully, we will be able to leave tomorrow evening and spend the weekend with our family.

It has also been one of those days where I feel like I will not be winning the "Mommy of the Year Award". I have to be honest. Today I asked the Lord why he decided to give my kids the mommy He gave them. I know that sounds crazy, but I was in one of those moments where I was questioning myself. I have forgotten so many things lately. The one thing I can see that needs to definitely change is my daily walk with Christ. I haven't been in God's Word lately. My heart is yearning for time with Him and sometimes I just don't see that. Basically, my priorities have not been in the right order.

Tonight we did not go to church. I spent some time on the back porch after dinner with a cup of my Bifferdoodle coffee, watching the kids play. The wind was blowing. It was very relaxing. Tonight I will end the day with my Bible. It truly is a balm to my soul. We have to rest in Him, knowing that He has a purpose for it all. As one of my favorite songs (Total Praise) from Brooklyn Tabernacle says,

Lord, I will lift my eyes to the hills.
Knowing my help is coming from you.
Your peace you give me,
In time of the storm.

You are the source of my strength.
You are the strength of my life
I lift my hands in total praise to You.